You kept calling me your small dog last night.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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