i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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