I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize