if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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