Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
