my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
