I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
