The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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