What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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