He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
