Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
