What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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