pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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