I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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