I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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