Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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