How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
