one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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