we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He passed out mid-signature
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
