Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
