wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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