I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
