i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize