if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
