maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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