anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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