Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
