I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
