Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
