He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
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