The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
