My cat gives me a boner
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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