are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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