I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
