Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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