Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
