the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize