Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
