Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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