i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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