I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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