i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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