I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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