Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
