i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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