I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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