my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i was born a porn star she said
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
