you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
