new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
