dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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