it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize