Midget sex pt 2 tonight
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
