a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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