Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm like, not good at living.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize