doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i came on her dog
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
