dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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