Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
